}
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Etiquette for GLBTQ Weddings
In the recent article, Do I Want to Plan Gay Weddings, individuals who would typically identify as gay, lesbian, bisexual, trans, and/or queer (GLBTQ) were defined. For this article, the etiquette for working with GLBTQ weddings is further explored. It’s important to reiterate that given the various types of couples, as well as the creation of new traditions, it can be difficult to understand the etiquette of working with GLBTQ couples. The information presented below should work for the majority of clients, but personal circumstances may require modified language or additional flexibility.
What is proper terminology when working with GLBTQ couples?
The most important aspect of choosing your words is to match terminology used by the couple. For example, the couple may identify their event as a wedding, civil union, commitment ceremony, celebration of love, partnership party, or something else that is celebratory in nature. Matching their terminology will show everyone is on the same page.
Outlined below are various gender-specific terms that do not necessarily work for GLBTQ couples. Modifying language to be gender-neutral (or, in some cases, gender-inclusive) in marketing materials, contracts, and communications will ensure all couples are equally treated:
Gender Specific |
Gender Neutral/Inclusive |
Bachelorette, Bride, Wife, Bachelor, Groom, Husband, Fiancé |
Clients, Customers, Partners, Brides or Grooms |
Bridesmaids/Groomsmen, Bridal Party |
Attendants, Wedding Party, Party People |
Bridal or Bride’s Suite |
Changing Room, Preparation Suite, Private Suite, Hospitality Suite, Couple’s Room |
Guy’s Lounge/ Man Cave |
Lounge, Game Room, Changing Room, Private Suite, Hospitality Suite, Couple’s Room |
Many individuals ask how to reference GLBTQ couples on a contract, as many wedding-industry contracts specially refer to the “bride” and the “groom.” Changing terminology to Client One/Client Two or, as recently seen printed on New York State’s Marriage License Application: “Bride/Groom/Applicant” and then, each person could circle which designation they identified as next to their respective contact details.
It’s also important that when using correct terminology, questions or statements are asked/said in a way as to not be offensive. Detailed below are questions/statements to avoid and those that would be more appropriate:
What NOT to ask or say |
What to ask or say |
Since this isn’t a real marriage (specifically in states without legal marriage recognition for gay and lesbian couples), are you really going to call this a wedding? |
How are you referring to this special day: as a wedding, commitment ceremony, civil union or something else? (*Then, match their desired terminology) |
Who is the “real” bride/groom? or Which one of you will be playing the “bride/groom’s role”? |
I want to ensure I address you each correctly. How will you be identifying yourselves for the wedding? (i.e. as bride A, and bride B, the couple, etc). Note: it’s suggested their names just be used. |
Who will lead the first dance? |
Are you doing a first dance and what song will be played so I have it my notes? |
Which one of you is getting the bouquet and who is getting the boutonnière? |
Will you need bouquets and/or boutonnières and for whom? |
The female is usually listed first on an invitation. Which one of you will be listed first? |
How would you like your names to appear on the invitations or stationery? |
Are you two going to kiss in front of people? |
Nothing – this matter is only the couple’s business. |
That’s not traditional or normal. |
Generally speaking, most of our couples do …., however, we’re happy to accommodate your request(s) in this manner … |
I’m not gay, but I have friends who are homosexual (or really, any reference to the word “homosexual”) |
Again, personal beliefs or feelings should not be part of professional business conversations. The word homosexual, though accurate, is antiquated and typically not used by those who are GLBTQ. |
What are the traditions of GLBTQ weddings?
While the publicity of GLBTQ weddings has increases exponentially in the last decade, the traditions, or tracking of such, are limited. According to The Gay Wedding Institute, the following seem to be traditions that are forming for GLBTQ weddings:
Additional statistics about traditions are available at the Gay Wedding Institute.
This is a guest post from Mark C. Paquette. Mark is the founder of coloradogayweddings.com, a resource for prescreened professionals to advertise their services to GLBTQ couples. He’s also the founder and lead planner for Mark Christopher Weddings and Events and has over 15 years in catering, corporate, and social events. He enjoys cooking, traveling, volleyball, and spending time with his partner and their two miniature dachshunds.
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At the end of the day, GLBTQ couples are no different from any other couple you’ve worked with, it’s just a matter of identifying what they need and finding a way to make it happen in time for the big day.
Very true. Thanks for taking time to comment!
As a wedding planner and member of The LGBT community, welcome all couples both gay and straight. The majority of my couples are straight, but I have done both types.
The few that were gay, were not all that different than a traditional ceremony. One was even done in a Catholic Church by a priest. As the article states, it is important to ask the couple how the couple would like to be referred. be honest and upfront with this question.
In our case, we took it a little tongue in cheek. I was referred to as the bride or bride 1 and my wife was the “broom” or bride 2. We also had “best girls” and attendants.
If anyone in the planners lounge has questions, I would be happy to help. Just FB message me anytime.
Good luck!
Wendy, thank you for sharing your experience!
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